Wow it’s been a while. For about three weeks now I’ve been actively perusing the Faery seership meditations in preparation for a January seminar by Orion Foxwood. As cliché as it is for a pagan to say, I’ve always felt very sensitive to the otherworld and people’s emotional states. in my life my attention to these abilities has come and gone in waves, sometimes tsunami like in their manifestation.
I’m almost certain that a large majority of any ability I had for the past 4 years has been subconsciously and consciously devoted to protecting my husband while he was at war and our relationship. It is not an easy thing to say as I feel I had forgotten some part of myself in that act. not to say it wasn’t 100% worth it of course. It is time though that I do for myself and know that he supports me with love.
I’m either 200% plugged in to the more sensitive aspects of life or pretty much turned off. My goal in following faery seership is to learn how to find the balance , become a healing source in mine and others existences ( in this world and the other) and to become more at peace.
I’ve been meditating every day, in the morning and evening and I already feel the difference in how I walk through the day. Even with the powerful experienced and gifts I’ve been able to have in the past I didn’t want to go skipping blindly down the road, A certain reservation about all metaphysical experiences since they do tend to be cheapened by every new age participant clambering for their “pagan superpower”. I know this isn’t the nicest opinion to hold but there it is.
Even thru the veil of scepticism I reached out to the underworld with honest desire and have had true experiences. Nothing earth shattering but an honest call answered and true steps taken to form a bridge between the worlds, a path of healing and true communication with my ancestors and the good people.
Even now I see the changes in my soul,my heart. It is not easy though. There is a lot of moving to be done in myself before I can make a deeper connection and confronting these weaknesses, fears and scars is again not easy.
But a glimpse has been given me of who and what I am…a peaceful, balanced being and through the pain I continue.
We got to go back to colorado for samhain and celebrate with my dear tuatha. I sadly didn’t get any pictures of the circle or the ceromony this year but it went very well.
surrounded by our closests friends and the clear colorado night, the moon and our ancestors gazed upon us. Thrice we circles the fire pit decorated with leaves and blue corn meal in designs to hurry the dear spirits to join us. The women lit the fire with passion and encouraged it into life, into the new year. We each placed offerings of nuts, bread and fruit into the flames and called out our dear ones names in our hearts or outloud. The circle was opened and all our honored dead, guiding spirits and dear people were invited to join our celebration. We broke with a cheer and a handful of dragon’s blood all thrown in at once.
Good food and good stories were shared thru the night and sweet friendships’ fire was stoked.
It was a lovely night and a lovely visit with the new years promise to persue fairy seership in my heart and to listen to my intuition more.
One can never take the joys my dear tuatha brings me and even hundreds of miles away they illuminate the things in myself that I have forgotten. It is my new years persuit to not ignore myself and my self-knowledge so much.
woo I got a new monitor today because my old one croaked and I know realize all I’ve been missing visually. *laugh* I could compare the experiance to some other things in life and be deep about it but really it’s just a computer monitor.
I am going to try to get out and hike, make an offering and meditate at least once a week thru the winter and it has to be outside before I go to work…I’ve decided. most of the time I spend that time before work…I go in late..around 11..sipping coffee and catching up on blogs and generally being a bum. I realzed if i don’t use the time I have now I never will.
I want badly to connect with this place and stop feeling so disconnected about being here and the only way to fix it is to DO something about it .amazing how that works. lol .
so off I go. If I’m good then I will bring the camera and post pictures. good luck to me.
Option 1
Vert, fox courant proper and on a chief azure, two arrows in saltire argent.
Option 2
Vert, fox passant proper and on a chief azure, two arrows in saltire gold.
*language corrected thanks to our shire herald.
I must say I think about this question a lot. so much so I stumble my own growth, most of the time, if i am really honest with myself ( and you readers). Since moving I’ve observed in myself the lack of willingness to explore my surroundings in the literal and spiritual sense of the word. I think i am still hindered by my past experiences and unfortunatly box my own self in. that delighting, joyous self that discovered so many things in the past, even thru intense emotional discomfort of deployments. If I can have it then, why not now? I found the loving and beautiful goddess and good spirits and dear ones and saw thru the flames of the samhain fire my dear ancestores beckoning me to converse with them and yet, here I sit in windowed confinement of my own choosing waiting for something to move me rather then seeking that inspiration as I have.
Since I have no therapist, my blog is my only outlet. …looking back on my past posting i see intense bursts of beautiful phrasing and creativity but they are hidden and covered with statements of self- distrust and depression. If my path has taught me anything it is that we pull ourselves up and I’ve just been outright lazy lately. Which I think is a potential issue with paganism…sadly there is very nearly a clear plateau and there is a very definite end to the honeymoon once you learn the initial wonderments. This is more of an open wondering as I see this issue with nearly ALL religious or spiritual paths. WE have to stop for a while and look at our own compasses and maps and see which way is our north. I think a lot of people get stuck looking at the map or the compass and never continue hiking. They build shelters and then houses on the path, along the mountain range and are fine with tending to the trees and flowers. ..there is no shame those caretakers are needed. To be honest I don’t know what a true seeker looks like or sounds like or even if I want to be one. I just know that I am not quite ready to settle down and build where my compass has fallen and my map has been folded so often taht I can not see the image that guides me.
I have to seek out what drove me before, before the romance of the polytheistic minds and circles, spirals and incense. Before the woods, before the pack, before the compass…something led me to start this journey that I am constantly grateful for. It all started with a simple curiosity and I would like to know how to have that again.
My world is a little bit too cold with realism, a little bit too dry with facts. I’d like the wonder again please…to go.
a little bit of a wandering thought, I know…but then again that is kind of my style. *smile*
Well things are kind of settling in to winters slower pace around here. The new job is going very well and I’ve found a great equestrian instructor and been attending SCA meetings. It’s a good little balance but alas not much work on the extra curricular pagan activities. I’ve not been feeling myself in that particular avenue and been almost scared of venturing out on my own but I’m sure I will shake out of it soon.
I know it’s not much of an update and I feel a little bad about that but again I’m sure I will get back into the swing of things soon.
Well V is officially started school and I’m adjusting to a new job in a hospital Pathology lab and fighting off a high sensitivity to the formalin at work..makes my face and eyes REALLY itchy.
I’m working my way thru Orion Foxwood’s “The Faery Teachings” and taking notes and mocking up some nice cloak designs to see if I can get a small business up and going..we’ll see. I also contacted the local SCA and I meet with them on Wednesday to see about a deeper foray into geekyness. It could be a lot of fun if I can make it off work in time.
So overall busy…still looking for some time to get out and hike, take some pictures and do some meditations here and see what kind of spirits are willing to work with a transplanted pagan. *wink*
So my husband V claims Atheism as the closest thing that describes his personal outlook on life. He stumbled across this video/beat poem that has sparked some discussion among us. Mr. Minchin brings up a good point about how this lovely beautiful world, just as it is doesn’t seem enough, we have to transpose the supernatural and the magical onto things that are incredible and indescribable just as they ARE. Storm by Tim Minchin
I think it’s an important line of thinking for the pagan community to ponder.
I still hold to the magic and mystery of the earth and it’s spirits and dear ones is connected to us by the mythology and translations that our religious/spiritual pursuits outline and we should honour and respect it.
Where does the need come from to “supe up” things, nature, vistas, feelings, experinaces that are already so amazing just in their mundaneness?
Maybe we really do need to focus on loving nature just for itself, it’s mere existence. Love Trees for just being trees, not because they might hold a spirit inside, love the mountains for themselves, not because ancient peoples worshiped on them, love your spouse not for their acts or jobs but just for themselves as a fellow soul on this earth.
Like I said before It is important to keep these spiritual practices alive, the gods, the dear ones, our ancestor worship, our mantras and meditations but we also need to be in the here and now, present and loving for the act itself, not the accolades it might receive.
There seems to be a focus on ” pagan superpowers” and what you can divine or hear, or what deity you commune with but we so often dismiss our humanity that it diminishes any gift we might have into mere Ego-tripping.
We are here in this world, the otherworld in still important but we live NOW and we must remember.
*working thought in progress.
The movements of the dance have become heavy and stuttered,
The preformer is weak and her body is wieghted against the force, stuggling to maintain the balance.
some whisper and wonder, some quietly watch with accusing eyes and remark ” Her ruler is sadness, her flame is darkness …the things she must do to harm”
The dancer hears and struggles the movements “Passion ” and “Truth” she steadies herself.
She tosses and fights with the weight of the ages, all with flickers of grace. Off come the shackels, off come the chains and fire burns in her eyes. A panic set in, a battle deeper and wild she moves.
Yet there is no succeeding against the unyielding and she bows to the might, her chest heaving and spirit screaming.
The crowd leaves knowing they would have conquered the night. “such weakness” they whisper and turn.
She is alone in the dark platform, slowly rising against the wreckage. No eyes upon her, no light upon her she sighs and gathers her strength.
A faraway lilting, the sing song of dawn birds. They whisp at her ear and her soul.
A movement of knowing and movement of truth and She is dancing with light in her step. No judgement received as she leaps to the seas and to nature’s delight.
A turn to the truth a smile across her face and a great performance is given. Not to the crowd, not to the king but to herself, her soul is bidden…to move with the muse, to tangle with hope and rest in the arms of courage. Her partner appears with strength in his eyes and gestures.
The two leap and repose, the dancing it goes around in the darkness unseen. A masterful piece for no mortal to see but the dawn birds, the Mother….they watch.
-Kitsune, 2009
Well we made it safely to our new place of residence and have got our home put together again and trying our best to settle in. My husband is registered for school and I am working very hard at a local humane society as a Veterinary Technician.
Due to 50+ hour work weeks I’ve not have the time to set up many of the pagan practices or items I am used to. Lughnessagh passed with a small overing of whiskey and oats and a tear shed for not being with my dear Tuatha.
Things are starting to settle at work and if the pixies will give my drill back I can set up my altar. I’m meeting with a new pagan group leader today, a satalitte group of the Berkley, CA CAYA ( come as you are coven) it will be my first venture into anything wiccan but the woman I’ve been talking too seems very nice and I’m eager to see what this group could hold, as it’s the only one in my area.
I know a group isn’t necessary for real practice and solitary time is what I truely need right now…I’m not quite sure. I know I got incredibly lucky with my dear Tuatha and it is my family in many senses.
Still this move stands out as a chance to use my strength and courage that myself and my tuatha helped me cultivate.
I’ve been reading Morgan Llwelyn’s books on the Irish Risings and these words attributed to Pádraic Pearse seem to strike me strongly as a way to walk through my day.
