Forward

Deep within me is a goddess ready to be awakened and I pursue with the passion and life deserving of the Goddess that I AM. Starting tomorrow I will be doing an internet fast, a month of technological silence with no Internet or computer use at all and learning to take time to listen to myself, my Goddess within, the accompanying host , the multitude that lives in me , from the gods of the flesh to the cells in my blood. I am alive and never alone.All of creation in this holy space deserves recognition.

*Art by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law*

The need to heal myself and in turn heal my blood is blindingly strong.

I fear it. The realness of it,  the responsibility of claiming all my lines of kin past is massive. but I have not come here to turn away. I have been shown this forested path, these tools of seership because I can handle it. I must.

Just as my blood took the seemingly impossible task of journeying across oceans and walking across America I take on the healing of the pains of generations and release future generations from that same pain.

It begins with a single step and through the storms , cold and darkness all I need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. ” One more step” and I feel the love of the ancestors, those that walked will walk beside me and this world and the other world’s healing will settle on us all. and we shall reach out to our cousins of light and teach eachother in remembrance of the unity.

And so I go forward.

See ya March 3rd, 2010. *wink*

-Kitsune

it’s sad really….

I realized that I haven’t ever really solved my own issues, I just got better at dressing up the Darkness.

Declaration

I am posting part of an earlier reply here because I feel it says what needs to be said….

I have reached the point where I am prepared to do something about this rather than just burying it down deeper, I have to know that if I fail those I love will catch me ( even those in a virtual world), if I need to be dragged to safety someone will be there. There is a whisper inside that says I can’t fail because I’ve committed, the wisdom and endless knowing that is buried deep down says I can do this…I have done this…I will do this. Finding the light, the child of happiness and embracing it is worth everything I AM. All that I have or will have.It is by far and away time to do this. I grieved to long and not done anything about it. become a ghost of self and happy to drift thru my own life and the lives of those I love most dearly with the minimum amount of engagement.
Thank you for the healing thoughts and prayers they are felt, even if it’s a tingling right now. I’ve resolved to come thru this, my own barriers and walls by the end of this year. It probably won’t be pretty but it will be worth it because I AM worth it.

I will be taking a month break from the internet starting February 1st and ending March 3rd. (just so nobody thinks I’ve died or something)  I feel it is a hindrance, a crutch in my life, a tool of aimless wandering where true answers won’t and can’t be found, which I think is what I’ve been looking for….  A fast or a lent , if you will. I will do my best to journal during this time and then post what I have experienced if it’s what it to be.

Hopefully this will be the start to many changes in my life, ones that will lead me to a fuller self and life. Thank you again all you dear readers and spirits.

I think I’ve forgot how to sing my song
and I suppose it must be true there is
a deepness deeper than the blue
that is covering the soul,
the soul that I can not find but know
in the darkness
it is right there beside.
two strangers in one body,
one soul where
the right hand never sees the left.

reaching for the completeness and grasp at mist.

2010, Kitsune

a small note

*by Stephanie Pui-mun Law  “The eight of wands”

Journeying towards a goal, a great undertaking, speeding to reward with hope and momentum.

This mornings meditation was interesting. I sat down with Orion’s cd and did the nesting meditation…I have been doing it from memory lately but it just seemed one of those times where a little more structure was needed.

I always enjoy the nesting of the three souls and usually do it every morning and evening. I seems to tune me in to the right station although I haven’t been able to get much further.

I was quite for a while after and saw myself stepping before my ancestors and the good people in a cave with large naturally formed archways, like the inside of a large cathedral. It wasn’t cold and it wasn’t hot. It all seemed to be lit with a grey light, I felt there was more colors but my vision only worked in black and white.

I felt an appreciation for my efforts but when I tried to focus on any one being they seemed to move away a little like shadows. I saw myself sit and rest my head in my hands and then I felt a loving, motherly touch to my head and the feeling of ” We know you are eager but you are not yet prepared properly. Keep working, we are here.”  When I tried to focus on who this spirit was I couldn’t, like the signal in a tv flickers so did my vision and I was sitting alone again but wrapped in warmth and comfort.

The distinct impression that was left me was that I was trying to run before I could crawl. This may very well be my own self placed restriction as well but I will continue as I have been,  a small step everyday into the path of the seer.

Moving beyond the familiar

**this is more of an atempt to put words and complete some thoughts I’ve had for a while…the need to ‘get it out of me’ is what I am trying to answer and not hide behind the excuses and get to the bottom line of my motivations so if this is difficult to follow or sounds like a major whine-fest ..well..it’s not really meant to be enlightening for me readers per say. **

Big question number one posed by the faery seership book ” The Tree of Enchantment”  is why am I compelled to this path, this change, this new way of living?

“What prompts you to move beyond the familiar? ” is the exact phrasing Orion uses in the book actually which strikes me because essentially, as humans we really appreciate the familiar and in fact I think it’s fair to say the most people strive for the stability that familiar routine brings in to their lives.  To step beyond the norm, outside of the sleeper-self, is a necessary step in all spiritual journeys but becoming  truly aware of the otherworlds is another beast entirely.

As silly as it may sound I am reminded of the Matrix, where Neo is introduced to the ” desert of the real” where everything he thought life was, no longer exists or had changed so much that it is entirely unidentifiable.

Morpheus tells Neo once “You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.”

I can see why most people do not seek this sort of change and real connection with the otherworlds and beings. It is very scary to see yourself and beings that you have no concept of dealing with even.

But I cannot deny my heart. I ache after the truth of it. I’ve tried to ignore the shadows, the dreams, the nagging scream in my mind to wake up and be the truth of myself.

What prompts me to move beyond the familiar… is a basic character trait ( or flaw) of being eternally curious. I think it’s what spurred my love of books and knowledge I really wanted to know what other people knew and had seen but now that curiosity has moved to an apathy…I wake up, go to work, go to sleep …repeat and  watch other people live, instead of doing it myself. I’m tired of living in my dreams.

I want to experience more in this life and I think it’s fair to describe it as divine discontent. A deep knowledge whispers though all the clutter and noise that I am more than this shell.

I want to find the balance between a true  seeker with a dedicated purpose  and the wildly flailing,running from one guidepost to the next looking for something to cling to so that my world makes sense that I feel now.  I want the wonder back.

When I look for the curious fox-girl now she is hidden behind the cocoon I have woven around myself for protection.

I want and need the change deeply but moving beyond the veil is harder than I expected it to be. The fortifications are thick and the night is surely deep and dark.

—more later…

long time

Wow it’s been a while. For about three weeks now I’ve been actively perusing the Faery seership meditations in preparation for a January seminar by Orion Foxwood. As cliché as it is for a pagan to say, I’ve always felt very sensitive to the otherworld and people’s emotional states. in my life my attention to these abilities has come and gone in waves, sometimes tsunami like in their manifestation.
I’m almost certain that a large majority of any ability I had for the past 4 years has been subconsciously and consciously devoted to protecting my husband while he was at war and our relationship. It is not an easy thing to say as I feel I had forgotten some part of myself in that act. not to say it wasn’t 100% worth it of course. It is time though that I do for myself and know that he supports me with love.
I’m either 200% plugged in to the more sensitive aspects of life or pretty much turned off. My goal in following faery seership is to learn how to find the balance , become a healing source in mine and others existences ( in this world and the other) and to become more at peace.
I’ve been meditating every day, in the morning and evening and I already feel the difference in how I walk through the day. Even with the powerful experienced and gifts I’ve been able to have in the past I didn’t want to go skipping blindly down the road, A certain reservation about all metaphysical experiences since they do tend to be cheapened by every new age participant clambering for their “pagan superpower”. I know this isn’t the nicest opinion to hold but there it is.
Even thru the veil of scepticism I reached out to the underworld with honest desire and have had true experiences. Nothing earth shattering but an honest call answered and true steps taken to form a bridge between the worlds, a path of healing and true communication with my ancestors and the good people.
Even now I see the changes in my soul,my heart. It is not easy though. There is a lot of moving to be done in myself before I can make a deeper connection and confronting these weaknesses, fears and scars is again not easy.
But a glimpse has been given me of who and what I am…a peaceful, balanced being and through the pain I continue.

Samhain 2009

We got to go back to colorado for samhain and celebrate with my dear tuatha. I sadly didn’t get any pictures of the circle or the ceromony this year but it went very well.

surrounded by our closests friends and the clear colorado night, the moon and our ancestors gazed upon us. Thrice we circles the fire pit decorated with leaves and blue corn meal in designs to hurry the dear spirits to join  us. The women lit the fire with passion and encouraged it into life, into the new year. We each placed offerings of nuts, bread and fruit into the flames and called out our dear ones names in our hearts or outloud. The circle was opened and all our honored dead, guiding spirits and dear people were invited to join our celebration.  We broke with a cheer and a handful of dragon’s blood all thrown in at once.

Good food and good stories were shared thru the night and sweet friendships’ fire was stoked.

It was a lovely night and a lovely visit with the new years promise to persue fairy seership in my heart and to listen to my intuition more.

One can never take the joys my dear tuatha brings me and even hundreds of miles away they illuminate the things in myself that I have forgotten. It is my new years persuit to not ignore myself and my self-knowledge so much.

 

decision

woo I got a new monitor today because my old one croaked and I know realize all I’ve been missing visually. *laugh* I could compare the experiance to some other things in life and be deep about it but really it’s just a computer monitor.

I am going to try to get out and hike, make an offering and meditate at least once a week thru the winter and it has to be outside before I go to work…I’ve decided. most of the time I spend that time before work…I go in late..around 11..sipping coffee and catching up on blogs and generally being a bum. I realzed if i don’t use the time I have now I never will.

I want badly to connect with this place and stop feeling so disconnected about being here and the only way to fix it is to DO something about it .amazing how that works. lol .

so off I go. If I’m good then I will bring the camera and post pictures. good luck to me.

SCA heraldry

Option 1

Vert, fox courant proper and on a chief azure, two arrows in saltire argent.

Option 2

Vert, fox passant proper and on a chief azure, two arrows in saltire gold.

*language corrected thanks to our shire herald.