Where are we going?
I must say I think about this question a lot. so much so I stumble my own growth, most of the time, if i am really honest with myself ( and you readers). Since moving I’ve observed in myself the lack of willingness to explore my surroundings in the literal and spiritual sense of the word. I think i am still hindered by my past experiences and unfortunatly box my own self in. that delighting, joyous self that discovered so many things in the past, even thru intense emotional discomfort of deployments. If I can have it then, why not now? I found the loving and beautiful goddess and good spirits and dear ones and saw thru the flames of the samhain fire my dear ancestores beckoning me to converse with them and yet, here I sit in windowed confinement of my own choosing waiting for something to move me rather then seeking that inspiration as I have.
Since I have no therapist, my blog is my only outlet. …looking back on my past posting i see intense bursts of beautiful phrasing and creativity but they are hidden and covered with statements of self- distrust and depression. If my path has taught me anything it is that we pull ourselves up and I’ve just been outright lazy lately. Which I think is a potential issue with paganism…sadly there is very nearly a clear plateau and there is a very definite end to the honeymoon once you learn the initial wonderments. This is more of an open wondering as I see this issue with nearly ALL religious or spiritual paths. WE have to stop for a while and look at our own compasses and maps and see which way is our north. I think a lot of people get stuck looking at the map or the compass and never continue hiking. They build shelters and then houses on the path, along the mountain range and are fine with tending to the trees and flowers. ..there is no shame those caretakers are needed. To be honest I don’t know what a true seeker looks like or sounds like or even if I want to be one. I just know that I am not quite ready to settle down and build where my compass has fallen and my map has been folded so often taht I can not see the image that guides me.
I have to seek out what drove me before, before the romance of the polytheistic minds and circles, spirals and incense. Before the woods, before the pack, before the compass…something led me to start this journey that I am constantly grateful for. It all started with a simple curiosity and I would like to know how to have that again.
My world is a little bit too cold with realism, a little bit too dry with facts. I’d like the wonder again please…to go.
a little bit of a wandering thought, I know…but then again that is kind of my style. *smile*
I know exactly how you feel Kitsune, ever since I graduated in July I have felt my ‘creative spark’ as I call it, that burst of imagination that takes your mind far away for this harsh reality, has been dummed down by so many issues in real life. Primarily finding a full time job, finding a house, problems with loved ones – not that most of those things have been sorted I still find myself sitting in front of the TV more often than I should be. As a young budding writers I’m constantly told in writing books and magazines and by authors themselves to write something every day, even if it’s rubbish. I am shamed to think I can not do what they reccomend. WHen most nights there isn’t much worth watching at all on TV. A friend once said to me that I’m merely resting creativily and gathering thoughts and ideas subconsciounsly, as much as it might make sense I don’t think it is the entire truth of the matter. I have become bogged down in life and have thus lost my childhood dream to tell storys, create characters and have adventures in far away lands. Suprising to say though that once I stop worrying about life issues ideas, sparks of inspirations, have been resurfacing strongly inside my head. And I actually beleive it is because I’m ’stoking the fire’ to say by getting into my old habits of being a bookworm. Ideas are even bombarding me when I’m at work which is such a delightful and frustrating feeling when you are so keen to get an idea out but in an enviroment unable to allow it, so I just keep myself thinking on it during my work, allowing it to grow, develope and soon it comes out beautifully.
It is so easy to become lazy, uncaring about what talents and beliefs you have but as long as you do one tiny thing that makes you happy and is connected to it all then deep down that uniqueness about your character never dies.
So keep at it, don’t loose faith that you’ve lost touch with what you believe in. Try to take tiny steps at first, make it a habit and then before you know it you’re as delightfully obsessed about that special something like you used to be. Have faith, believe, think happy thoughts and do happy things and even if your real world is causing problems then at least that special thing is there to help you through it all.